Surreal

I learned a lot of things this week.

Trust No One
I have trouble with trusting too easily. I see the good in everyone and believe the best in everything. So when I let some things slip (also: Don't Trust Yourself), I can see that action flow through my surroundings like blood in the water. Sure, people are good, but they are also dicks who will do anything to get ahead.

Thrust Yourself Into Experiences
I may be novice at a lot of things, but it doesn't mean I'm not willing to try. I've rediscovered a passion (a passion some always saw in me) and I'm dying to immerse myself in opportunities. I'm good enough, I have the talent, it just needs to be shaped and utilized. Writing is moving to the forefront of my priorities list and I'm going to get my words out there.

Be Spiteful...But Only A Little
It's kind of exciting to be spiteful. It's kind of fulfilling to know my own awesomeness is upsetting some people. But remember, don't be so spiteful that people whisper negativity behind your back.

Be Humble
Things are going my way. Success and accomplishment abound. I can't let it get to my head. And honestly, I'm not letting it. I'm happy and proud of myself. I don't feel any need to be boastful. That is what will open doors.

Appreciate Your Accomplices
Being grateful for the people in your life is one thing, telling them so is another. Let your friends know you're grateful for their friendship. Tell your mentors you couldn't have done it without them. Vocalize your love for, well, anyone. Understand you are not alone. I am not alone, and for that I am so thankful.

Enjoy Everything
I mean everything. Enjoy the successes. Enjoy the parties and the friends. Enjoy the hard times. Enjoy the tears. Enjoy the mornings and sleeping in (or not sleeping in). Enjoy the haters. Reveling in the feelings of everything that happens is necessary for ultimate happiness. Feel shitty, but remember that things get better and this feeling of shititude is what will shape you into a happier person.

Not much to say but

Fire

I hit rock bottom.

I was missing class a lot, mixing up my priorities, not taking care of myself. I was literally bed ridden for two days because of strep.

In that time, he came to move his stuff and we got to talking.

Long story short, he's winning the break up. What the hell, I am the breaker, not the breakee, I should be winning. Instead I'm a mess, a depressed mess. During my time on the couch due to antibiotics, I was forced to reevaluate my life. What the fuck am I doing, letting this overwhelming sadness take over?

I have a fire lit under my ass. I'm more motivated than ever and I'm going to prove to everyone that I'm doing not just OK, but fantastic.

Valentine

I'm so full of emotions I can't even express them properly.
I'm exhilarated and depressed and happy and miserable and ecstatic and lonely and surrounded and loved and sad.

I don't know how to be. I keep telling myself this is what I wanted. And I know that. I've known that for a long time, but starting over is hard.

Have to learn sometime, I guess?

This was my first single Valentine's day in a while. He left a flower on my car. I had a meltdown.

Getting out of bed is hard. Trying to be a grown up and do grown up things is hard. Feeling like I'm barely keeping it together is extremely difficult to bear.

It'll get better, it has to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlE_u9WptwI

Lone.

I don't want to air my laundry on Facebook. I keep shit minimal on Twitter. I have't taken a picture of any food to put on Instagram.

I've been checking in a lot of places on Foursquare, though. Going out is a distraction.

I did that thing I've wanted to do. I feel miserable. However, I'm also on the precipice of something amazing.

I'm so full of life now. I've rid myself of dread and gloom and there is more room for happiness and exploration.

I truly don't know how to feel about myself or what to do.

I'm going to get a cat.

Serenity

I'm supposed to be writing a first draft of my first feature for this cool magazine thing I'm doing, but I needed a break to just sit and reflect.

There is a lot of shit going on in my life. Some of it is awesome. So awesome. Beyond awesome. I'm living like a grown up. I'm promoted at work. I've got this writing job that, while volunteer, is so great! It makes me feel so good about myself. I've got an excellent group of friends. I'm building a name for myself. I'm actually doing well in school for the first time in my college career. I'm so...happy.

The other stuff that's not awesome? It's all up in my head. I'm still trying to find a way to vocalize it, write it, get it out.

It doesn't matter though. Things are amazing. 2012 really has been my year. It's been redeeming.

I just need to find a voice.

Anxiety

Some days I am just so riddled with anxiety it takes six different people to tell me to stop and breath.

There is so much going on in life right now I can't even. I CAN'T EVEN.

I got a promotion thing at work. I got a writing gig at a local magazine. That podcast I'm on is getting bigger. I'm actually doing well in school.

There is so much success in my life I don't know how to handle it. WHY YOU SO SUCCESSFUL, REBECCA?