Oh Crap

Hey, Rebecca, remember how you had this dream when you were a teenager? The dream where you were a writer, a media figure, and all-around cool person?

Then suddenly, one day a few million years later, you finally got off your ass and did something about it?

I start tomorrow.

I can be as vague as I want. It's my blog. So, suck on that.

A Few Differences

A Few Differences is a song by the band Athlete. It's also the title I gave to a one act play I wrote in high school.

It's happening again. My past has returned to haunt me.

Not that it's entirely a bad thing. Sometimes I need the reminder, "this is what shaped you into what you are today. These are the people who guided you into being you." It sucks, because I want to forget about some parts of my history so badly.

Why, though? It wasn't even awful. Remembering things makes me ache. I don't understand why I wish I could forget about everything. I have to be reminded. I need to remember those who were my friends. I have to remember that I was kind of a bitch and left people behind and I should suffer the consequences of remembering.

I wish I wouldn't have dreams about my exes. Not exes, just ex I guess. I wish I wouldn't have panic attacks when I think about the possibility of running into an ex or an old friend. I wish I would have behaved differently.

But I'm too stubborn to change anything about it now. Instead I'll continue trying to focus on the present, because that's all I have.

Funny Asshole

Something happened to me today. Something I didn't know I was waiting my whole life to hear.

I was kickin' it with my podcast girls, guesting on Grumble Mountain's podcast on UtahFM. Grumble Mountain is a podcast done by three comedians. Comedians. Three of them. Whenever I'm in the same room as a "professional" comedian, I get sweaty and intimidated. I feel pressure to be funny. Not try-too-hard funny, but just right, casual funny. It's a very stressful situation.

About halfway through recording, one of the girls turns to me and says, "I wish I was as funny as you, Joss."

I wish I was as funny as you.

I wish I was as funny as you.

I wish I was as funny as you.

Holy balls, I didn't know I was looking for that kind of validation. Me? Rebecca? A lady? Funny? So funny, apparently, someone wishes for my wit?

I admire the shit out of female comedians. I long to be one sometimes. Only sometimes, I don't have the dedication to be funny 110% of the time. So, for someone to acknowledge that I am indeed funny, stirs strange emotions within me. Emotions like validation and giddiness. Also though, I'm going to feel like I'm in the room with another comedian all the time. Don't be too funny, Rebecca. Just casual funny.

But I'm doing this dance on the inside.