Oh Crap

Hey, Rebecca, remember how you had this dream when you were a teenager? The dream where you were a writer, a media figure, and all-around cool person?

Then suddenly, one day a few million years later, you finally got off your ass and did something about it?

I start tomorrow.

I can be as vague as I want. It's my blog. So, suck on that.

A Few Differences

A Few Differences is a song by the band Athlete. It's also the title I gave to a one act play I wrote in high school.

It's happening again. My past has returned to haunt me.

Not that it's entirely a bad thing. Sometimes I need the reminder, "this is what shaped you into what you are today. These are the people who guided you into being you." It sucks, because I want to forget about some parts of my history so badly.

Why, though? It wasn't even awful. Remembering things makes me ache. I don't understand why I wish I could forget about everything. I have to be reminded. I need to remember those who were my friends. I have to remember that I was kind of a bitch and left people behind and I should suffer the consequences of remembering.

I wish I wouldn't have dreams about my exes. Not exes, just ex I guess. I wish I wouldn't have panic attacks when I think about the possibility of running into an ex or an old friend. I wish I would have behaved differently.

But I'm too stubborn to change anything about it now. Instead I'll continue trying to focus on the present, because that's all I have.

Funny Asshole

Something happened to me today. Something I didn't know I was waiting my whole life to hear.

I was kickin' it with my podcast girls, guesting on Grumble Mountain's podcast on UtahFM. Grumble Mountain is a podcast done by three comedians. Comedians. Three of them. Whenever I'm in the same room as a "professional" comedian, I get sweaty and intimidated. I feel pressure to be funny. Not try-too-hard funny, but just right, casual funny. It's a very stressful situation.

About halfway through recording, one of the girls turns to me and says, "I wish I was as funny as you, Joss."

I wish I was as funny as you.

I wish I was as funny as you.

I wish I was as funny as you.

Holy balls, I didn't know I was looking for that kind of validation. Me? Rebecca? A lady? Funny? So funny, apparently, someone wishes for my wit?

I admire the shit out of female comedians. I long to be one sometimes. Only sometimes, I don't have the dedication to be funny 110% of the time. So, for someone to acknowledge that I am indeed funny, stirs strange emotions within me. Emotions like validation and giddiness. Also though, I'm going to feel like I'm in the room with another comedian all the time. Don't be too funny, Rebecca. Just casual funny.

But I'm doing this dance on the inside.

You're a douche. Let's be friends.

What is it about douche bags that keeps me hanging on so tightly? When I was younger, I had a friend who I thought was the coolest guy. He was funny, knew things I didn't know, liked movies, kept up conversation for hours. Now, as an adult, I realize we was a total asshole. A huge douche bag. I made an effort recently to reconnect with him. I sent him a text, trying to strike up conversation. True to enigma fashion, he would only respond with one word texts. Short, brief, texts. "Meh," I said, letting it go, moving on with my life and accepting that sometimes, things never change. That night, at one in the morning, tried to start conversation. Like he always used to. Still a huge douche. No, some things never change.

But in the back of my mind, I'm still desperate to talk to him. I still want him to want to have conversation with me. Please tell me more about your super awesome job and how you are so much cooler than I. School me in the ways of philosophy and John Cusack movies.

I have a new douchey friend. He only talks about himself, conversation is always one-sided. Film is his fine wine. The holier-than-thou stench travels through the internet and through my speakers. I get so pissed off during our conversations I literally have the thought process, "how do I tell him he's an asshole? Do I just say it or should I subtly say, 'hey I have a douchey friend, how should I let him know?'"

Conversation ends and...I'm still thinking about him. I'm thinking "wow that guy is an asshole" with a subcontext of "maybe I can get him to change his douche-ways." Maybe I can give him a My Fair Lady treatment and release him into the wild, ready for the ladies.

Is that not the reason girls go for the asshole? Because maybe we can be the one girl who changes him? Why is it so difficult to find not just a guy, but anyone who isn't a total asshole to some degree? I know plenty of girls who are douches in their own right. "Don't get that beer. It's only good in California." I don't need more granola-people telling me that organic is the only food they'll eat, or that biking is the only way they'll get around. I don't need your 'tudes. But goddammit do I eat it up and find myself begging for more.

SCHOOL IS HARD.

This isn't my first time taking Math 1010. It's not my second time. I literally don't even know how many times I've attempted this course.

It feels impossible. I can't grasp it. I feel embarrassed when I sit in class and I feel like everyone else is getting it and I'm not.

Today I was reassured when everyone around me was groaning, confused and frustrated. Yessss!

Hopefully I pass this time, God dammit.

Hello, Sweetie! Podcast Episode 33

Hey, I happened to make a very special appearance on this week's Hello, Sweetie! Podcast. I get nerdy all up in yo' business.

LISTEN HERE

Lazy Asshole Approach To Fitness

(Language. You've been warned.)

I have a weird style of working out. I will go for a week, then I decide that the one week was enough for two weeks, then I stop going. Rinse, repeat. Not really "rinse" repeat, I shower daily. Just kidding, I don't shower daily.

I also have a weird style of skating. I call it the "lazy asshole" approach to roller derby. I will come to practice, I will participate, but I don't push myself. The only time I push myself is when I'm jamming and I have to tell myself, "it's only two minutes of hardcore cardio, just two minutes." Then I get tired mid-jam and I have to mentally tell myself, "BUFFY WOULDN'T QUIT MID-JAM!" 

Basically, what I'm trying to say is I lack discipline.

Sometimes, I pretend I'm a superhero in training. I do this when I'm working out or when I'm skating. I want so badly to stop halfway through whatever I'm doing but I have to tell myself that I can't save the city if I can't finish a 30 minute elliptical workout. Can I fight crime on skates? That would be so much easier than running. However, how do I expect to stop alien invaders if I don't want to practice endurance skating? 

But I'm not a superhero. I'm just a girl who wants so badly to fit into spandex and look good wearing it. I want to kick ass for hours. 

I recently started reading comic books to help satiate my superhuman desires. Currently I'm reading Civil War. I've got a thing for Captain America (I'll get into it later) and while reading Civil War: New Avengers I was introduced to Luke Cage and Jessica Jones. Boyfriend was like, "Read Alias when you finish New Avengers." 

So, I read Alias and fell in love with Jessica Jones, the girl who uses the lazy asshole approach to crime fighting.  OK, she's not a lazy asshole. She actually gets shit done as a private investigator. But I found myself relating to her. She has so much potential to do more and she knows it. But she doesn't. She focuses her energies into private investigation. The powers get utilized when necessary, but other than that? It's not her thing.

I'm still trying to sort through it. I have potential to do more. I know I can go farther as a derby girl. It is my thing. Why don't I work harder at practice? I don't want to be a lazy asshole. I want to push myself and do what makes me happy. Reverse Jessica Jones. I have untapped power, let's fuck shit up.