Startled.

I had a pregnancy scare this week.

I actually wouldn’t call it a pregnancy scare. The experience was more of a pregnancy rumination. It certainly lit a fire under my ass.

I visited a psychic this week. She’s an angel reader. I met with her for a couple of reasons. One, I was frustrated with my relationship. When we were discussing my relationship with boyfriend, she laid things out for me that I would never have picked up on by myself. She reassured me that, yes, we are great, however I need to retool my thinking and actions.  

I was also frustrated with myself. I often find myself thinking, “Seriously Rebecca, what the hell are you doing?” I have been feeling beyond lost in my life. If I look at my metaphorical paths before me, there are options. Too many options. I want to do everything, experience every path and open door life has to offer me. I recently have been trying to force myself into writing again, but my foot was stuck. How hard must it be to sit down at a computer and type words? How hard is it to sit down and focus in school? Really damn hard.

I asked her, “can you tell me what I’m going to be when I grow up?”

“How old are you?” She asked, her eyes closed and fingertips tenting.

“23.”

“Oh, honey, you won’t know until you’re 40,” she joked. She kept her eyes closed for several moments, and opened her eyes, smiling.

“All I’m getting is ‘mom.’ And it’s going to happen a lot sooner than you think.”

Mom.

Mom...

Mom?

Oh, hell no. And HOW SOON? Oh, balls. I started to have a mini heart attack. I won’t get into details, but I haven’t been on birth control and I wasn’t exactly careful. I asked her if she was sure. She delved into my future as a mother to possibly four (!) kids, and how with the first baby I would fall in love with being a mother and I would want to dedicate myself to it.

No, no, no. Firstly, I want only two (two is even pushing it, but boyfriend and I are both only children and we know how it sucks). Secondly, no way could I have a baby right now when I still live in my parents basement.

I left absolutely petrified. Sure I was bloated, but I also hadn’t been to the gym in a week and eating really poorly. I was also PMS-y so, you know. Those symptoms mimic pregnancy symptoms. Feathers ruffled, I pulled into a pharmacy parking lot. I had never needed to buy a pregnancy test before, what was with all the options?? I chickened out and said, “maybe the next store I go to.”

The next day, I told myself to man up and bought one. Unfortunately, I was on my way to work so I had to wait all day before I could pass or fail. While I was at work, I texted boyfriend.

“Um, don’t freak out when I tell you this, ok?”

“...ok?”

“The psychic has me really freaked out so I bought a pregnancy test.”

“And?”
“Well I haven’t taken it yet.”

“You know if you are she legally has to tell you.”

We talked like this all day, cutting tension with jokes. I was increasingly ancy. He was surprisingly reassuring and supportive. I drove home calmly, sat down and peed on the stick. One horizontal line for negative, a cross for positive. 3 minutes passed and no vertical line. Negative! I got out of the bathroom and shouted (internally), “SOMEONE GET ME A BEER!” As if the universe was on my side, I got my period two hours later. Beer for everyone!

It wasn’t a scare. Not even a possibility. But of course I am still thinking about it.

We went to the movies, surrounded by kids. I kept thinking about how I would hold my daughter’s hand through the crowd. How I’d tell her “shhh” during the movie. How I would watch her light up during the funny parts.

We went to the Arts Festival. I imagined her awe at the beautiful art, reaching out to touch the sculptures, reminding her to drink her water and keep on her hat.

What am I doing with my life? I don’t want to be mom right now. But if it happened...I guess it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. I’ve got so much I want to experience. I don’t want to be stuck behind a desk, I don’t want to be stuck in anything. I need to do what I was supposed to be doing this whole time. Writing. Experiencing life and writing about it. Experiencing everything. This ordeal has given me drive to get out in the world and make every day a discovery.

You, little one, have given me something to write about. You, little one, have given me some drive.